In 1998, there were roughly four things I cared about: building our Titanic-themed 5th grade class float, ordering 10 CDs for $1 from the Columbia House catalog, keeping a journal like a la Amelia’s Notebook, and acquiring a Nintendo 64 console. After my parents got me the latter for my 11th birthday, I played my only two games — Mario Kart 64 and Super Mario 64 — for hours and hours.
At first, I remember playing as Peach because she was the only girl character, but that never felt quite right. For awhile, I played as Toad or Yoshi, but noticed that their character features meant they were easily spun out by heavier characters, like D.K. and Bowser. The heaviest characters had their own issues: they were slower and less nimble. It was then that I discovered my MarioKart Goldilocks: Wario, who is neither slow nor fast, neither too heavy nor too light. Just right.
Recently, my friend Mitch posted about a recent interview in which Danny DeVito said he would be game to play Wario in a live-action Super Mario Brothers 2 movie, alongside Chris Pratt as Mario. This, along with the tantalizing possibility of DeVito/Schwarzenegger Twins sequel, strengthens my will to live. I excitedly texted my friend Kate, explaining that I always choose to play as Wario in every Mario-universe game in which he’s an option.
My case:
An archnemesis is always more interesting than the protagonist.
A mustache with your initials? VERY camp.
Wario is cast as the villain, but if Chris “Hillsong” Pratt is Mario, who is really the villain? “Wario has actually saved the world on numerous occasions, though it is normally done more out of his love for gold and fame than any true care about the world’s safety,” according to a Mario universe Wiki page. “Wario is not completely heartless though, just a bit of an egomaniac.” The wiki also argues that Wario is more of an “anti-hero” than a villain. (Cue a T.Swiftian analysis in which all other characters are sexy babies but Wario is the monster on the hill.)
It is very fun to rip a fart then cackle like Wario.
Bonus Wario fact: according to a German voice actor hired to voice him, the character was meant to be German but became Italian like Mario. If that had come to be, that could add an interesting geopolitical layer to our examination here of perceived good and evil, but alas.
Just for fun, I recently started asking friends who they played as in Mario Kart and was surprised to discover that Wario is not a popular choice. Growing up, most of my friends were Yoshi dudes or Peach gals, with some Toad or Luigi in the mix, too. But one night, I learned that five out of the six people I was dining with all regularly played as Mario. That’s some Patrick Bateman in American Psycho shit, if you ask me. “Forget horoscopes or enneagrams — I want to know who you played as in Mario Kart,” I texted Kate. From there, I realized I’d created a writing prompt for myself, so without further ado:
Your horoscope but instead of your sign, the character you play as in Mario Kart 64
(except they’re all actually kind of about me)
Mario
It’s nice to have it all, isn’t it? You’re steady, reliable, and you like to know what to expect — and you’re used to being the main character. But variety and unpredictability are the spices of life. Maybe try something new, something weird that you never thought you’d be into. Do as Mario would do and eat some shrooms, fix a toilet. Though it may sometimes feel like the fate of the world, and the princess, is in your hands, you can step away and let your freak flag fly. Just don’t call it a rebrand.
Luigi
When I was a kid, my best friend and I used to play Babysitters’ Club. She was older, confident, bossy — naturally, she was Kristy, the president. I shrunk into the role of Mary Anne, the secretary with a cute blonde boyfriend named Logan Bruno. I was good at writing, after all, and even though I thought I might make a good leader, I figured I’d stick to what others had already told me were my strengths. Wanting things is an act of vulnerability; it requires the admission that you care, along with the possibility of failure. In that sense, limiting ourselves — pretending we want silver instead of gold — is a form of protection, but in the end, you’re only lying to yourself. Mama Miaaaaaa, indeed!
Yoshi
You’ve never needed many words to express yourself, and you wear this as a badge of honor. Many take your silence to mean you’re well-adjusted, full of wisdom — but remember, too, that Janu in The Good Place never said much either. Do people like you because you’re cute, or because your silence is convenient for them? Know your worth and when to use your voice, or else you’ll be leashed and ridden around the whole kingdom, laying eggs for some mustachioed man to throw at his enemies. (P.S. Happy Pride!)
Peach
Being underestimated is frustrating, but it can also be a real strength. Think Cher Horowitz; think Elle Woods. You could push your way to the front on your own in your white gloves and ball gown, but if they’re clamoring to rescue you, let ‘em, as long as you don’t forget who you are along the way.
Toad
“I’m the best,” you say. But that niggling feeling you aren’t? That’s your conscience. Learning to listen to it while pushing away self-doubt is your biggest challenge. How can it be the case that everyone is so much less competent than you, but also so much better and deserving? Make it make sense. You might be faster and more nimble, but bigger players have advantages too: they can push you around, but try your best to avoid them. Once you learn that we all have our strengths and weaknesses, our lightness and heaviness, life will get easier for you.
Wario
In this Rainbow Road we call life, it can feel like everyone has it better than us. They go faster and always seem to get the star or the thunderbolt, they take turns more gracefully, they have their own castles or franchises, they can lay eggs. It’s enough to make anyone exclaim “Why yai yai yah!” as you spin out (literally or figuratively). It’s not fair to compare yourself to humanity’s collective pool of accomplishments; no individual can be everything, and you can’t be, either. Gratitude journals are overplayed, so I won’t suggest that, but what if you are already enough right now? What if everything in this moment is actually perfect?
Donkey Kong
Once you get to know Mario Kart 64 well enough — or if you read Nintendo Power magazine in 1998 — you might learn about shortcuts in some of the game’s levels. There’s that tunnel on the Koopa Troopa Beach level, the Wario Stadium jump, the Kalimari Desert sand workaround, and, D.K., there’s one in your Jungle Parkway level too. What you do is drive backward at the beginning of the course instead of forward; if you accelerate and hop just so, you’ll fly through a wall, fall into a water pit, and be rescued to a spot that technically puts you one lap ahead. Sure, you can technically win the level this way, but this strategy doesn’t allow you to drive any of the fun parts — and if you get your tricksy maneuver wrong, you end up even further behind than if you’d just played by the rules. Grifters are having a moment, and it can be tempting to join their ranks, but is that who you really want to be?
Bowser
Taking accountability is one of the scariest things in life. Me, capable of hurting someone? You might think. Impossible. I was merely rescuing the princess, not kidnapping her! It can be tempting to make excuses for yourself, but all that does is protect your ego. In life, you’ll leave a few bananas, launch a few shells. The real growth comes from the acceptance that you will be the villain in some people’s stories, but having the strength to be yourself regardless.
Lately
I wrote a feature for the May issue of High Country News about recent attacks on energy substations and how they’re being leveraged by far-right accelerationists.
The FDA is considering an application to use MDMA-assisted therapy as a treatment for PTSD. An FDA advisory committee recently met to discuss that application, and they had lots of concerns about MDMA clinical trials’ methodology, documented sexual misconduct, and allegations of ethical lapses made by participants and employees. I covered that meeting for The Microdose and will continue to be following this story through August, when the FDA will announces their decision.
Also for The Microdose: interviewed prolific High Weirdness author Erik Davis about the history of LSD blotter paper art! (Check out his new book, Blotter.)
I saw the Aurora Borealis!!!!
Introducing: Nonsense Catalog
I love lists. I have dozens on my phone, some with ongoing items that I update religiously (groceries, media recommendations, tiny delights, gift ideas for loved ones) and many others with only two because I forgot they existed and abandoned them (e.g. “perennial rants,” created September 4, 2018, whose only items are “jo should’ve married laurie” and “where are sufjan’s other 48 state albums.”)
If you’re not a list person, I fear I cannot explain a list maker’s compulsion. Sometimes it’s purely organizational, or the journalist in me wants to document something. Other times, it serves the same purpose writing does, where I’m trying to work something out about the world or myself. A good list has a strong unifying theme, as well as a strong accompanying feeling: awe or amusement or nostalgia.
The inaugural nonsense catalog lives up to its name; it is a catalog of nonsense. The backstory here is that I’ve been cycling a lot lately, so while I was traveling for my sister-in-law’s wedding a couple weeks ago, I wanted to get some bike time in. The hotel gym had a lone Peloton. It was my first time using one. As I pedaled through Tenerife, I became fascinated by my fellow riders — specifically, what they chose to include in the two dozen characters that show up beside their username.
Peloton profile hashtags
#WorkingMomsOfPeleton
#PelotonPhishPhans
#PeloVegans
#Accenture
#Entrepreneur
#USForestService
#MeatSweats
#PelotonSwifties
#RaceAcrossAmerica (note: extra confusing because I saw this the day before RAAM started this year)
#PelotonDentists
#PelotonLawyers
#PeloDoctors
#Oceanographer
#SpokaneDoesntSuck
#PainCave
#PelotonDogMoms
#KeepingTheWifeThirsty
#pelostoned
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ok so i thought i was a toad sun, yoshi moon but it seems like all my planets might be in yoshi. is this the key to unlocking my potential??? did i just need red sneakers all this time????
saved this until i could read it with a cup of tea and a cookie